“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
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HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?