Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
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[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I love the National Park Service.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit