My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
You Might Also Like
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.