If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
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“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Great Canadian literature.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.