Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
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I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I want what they have
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?