They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
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All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Leaving the Barbers like
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive