Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
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Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT