Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
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In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*