Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
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Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth