What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
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Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
The funk soul brother
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
quarantine day 3