wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
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What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!