Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
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Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. Iāll just bring my blanket.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday weāve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and iām like shut up no one likes you
Terribly Tuesday.
Vegetables: āWe need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.ā
Potatoes:
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play šš
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Thereās a tiktok ad I keep seeing thatās like āSTOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.ā Ok done. Easiest task Iāve ever been given
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weaknessā¦
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Person: āAre you in a wheelchair in your dreams?ā
Me [from my wheelchair]: āAre you stupid in yours?ā
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I promised my kids a genuine New Yearās party: Iāll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.