Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
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The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
#damn
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.