And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
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My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
when nothing goes right… go left
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.