Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
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If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
japanese corn
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.