So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
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You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
sugar glider wrangler
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email