When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
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Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.