Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
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My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Hey i am sexy to you now
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Feels like the fourth month in January