FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
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Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.