My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
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*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back