My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
You Might Also Like
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld