you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
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Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.