Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
You Might Also Like
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
A friend helps you before you need it
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Schrödinger’s cookie
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.