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Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
This classic never gets old . . .
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects