Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
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I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD