*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
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Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then