Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
You Might Also Like
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window