Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
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Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.