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My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Extremely relatable.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.