Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
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Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]