[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
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doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me