Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
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Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*