You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
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“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
My kitchen overserved me.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed