girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
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At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.