Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
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new record!
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.