Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
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So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.