“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
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The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?