Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
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Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Isn’t
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
next level snooze
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.