[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
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Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Stop it! 😂
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.