My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
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Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Hit me in the face with a bird
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
The French word for sex is croissant.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.