Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
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interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*