Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
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Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
5 ways to appear taller
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know