I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
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*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
thanksgiving in nutshell
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.