Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
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Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either