Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
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Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Breaking news:
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue