Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
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Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
My Sentiments Exactly
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.