told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
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oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
🤣🤣
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper