I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
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Good morning, Twitter x
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I think I’m having a stroke
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.