[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
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FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Finally!
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.