I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
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Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
i wish we could shoplift online
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.